More About Alcoholism

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attemptsto prove we could drink like other people. The ideathat somehow, someday he will control and enjoy hisdrinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our in- nermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are likeother people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. Wealcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that noreal alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such inter-vals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incompre- hensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progres- sive illness. Over any considerable period we getworse, never better . We arelike men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to beany kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imagina- ble remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agreethere is no such thing as making a normal drinker outof an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet. Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. Byevery form of self-deception and experimentation, theywill try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats areoff to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enoughand long enough to drink like other people! Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drink- ing beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the mor ning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only atparties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing offforever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exer cise, reading inspirational books, going tohealth far ms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums—we could incr ease the list ad infinitum. We do not like to pronounce any individual as alco- holic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Stepover to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to de- cide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowl- edge of your condition. Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpow- ering desir eto do so. Here is one. Aman of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not touch another drop. An excep- tional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a suc- cessful and happy business car eer. Then he fell vic- tim to a belief which practically ever yalcoholic has —that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came hiscarpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was inahospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips tothe hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found hecould not. Ever ymeans of solving his problem which 3 money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years. This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: “Once an alcoholic, al- ways an alcoholic.’’ Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. Young people may be encouraged by this man’s ex- perience to think that they can stop, as he did, on their own will power .Wedoubt if many of them can do it, because none will really want to stop, and har dly one of them, because of the peculiar mental twist already acquired, will find he can win out. Several of our crowd, men of thir ty or less, had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as help- less as those who had been drinking twenty years. To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often tur ninto the real thing and ar egone beyond recall in a few years. Certain drinkers, who would be greatly insulted if called alcoholics, are astonished at their inability tostop. We, who are familiar with the symptoms, seelarge numbers of potential alcoholics among young people everywhere. But try and get them to see it! * As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit onour will power. If anyone questions whether he hasentered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquoralone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and veryfar advanced, there is scant chance of success. In theearly days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later. Though you may be able to stop for a con-siderable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic. We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year. Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within afew weeks. For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether .We are assuming, of course, that the reader desir es to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis de-pends upon the extent to which he has already lostthe power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character .There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found itimpossible. This is the baf fling featur eof alcoholism as we know it—this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish. How then shall we help our readers deter mine, to their own satisfaction, whether they are one of us?The experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we can render an even greater service to alcoholic sufferers and perhaps to the medi-3 *True when this book was first published. But a 2003 U.S./Canada membership sur- vey showed about one-fifth of A.A.’s were thirty and under. cal fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for ob-viously this is the crux of the problem. What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is hethinking? Our first example is a friend we shall call Jim. This man has a charming wife and family. He inherited alucrative automobile agency. He had a commendable World War record. He is a good salesman. Every-body likes him. He is an intelligent man, normal so faras we can see, except for a nervous disposition. He didno drinking until he was thirty-five. In a few years hebecame so violent when intoxicated that he had to becommitted. On leaving the asylum he came into contact with us. Wetold him what we knew of alcoholism and the answer we had found. He made a beginning. Hisfamily was re-assembled, and he began to work as asalesman for the business he had lost through drink-ing. All went well for a time, but he failed to enlargehis spiritual life. T ohis conster nation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He agreed he wasa real alcoholic and in a serious condition. He knewhefaced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family for whom he hadadeep affection. Yet he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: “I came towork on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I decided to drive into the country andsee one of my prospects for a car. On the way I felthungry so I stopped at a roadside place where theyhave a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. Ihad eaten there many times during the months I was sober .Isat down at a table and or dered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. Iordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk. “Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn’thurtme on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was notbeing any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured itinto mor emilk. That didn’t seem to bother me so I tried another .’’ Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Her ewas the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking alwayscaused him. He had much knowledge about himself asan alcoholic. Y et all reasons for not drinking wer e3 easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk! Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack ofproportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else? You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been charac-teristic of every single one of us. We have sometimesreflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the firstdrink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask our-selves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it couldhave happened. In some circumstances we have gone out deliber- ately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or thelike. But even in this type of beginning we ar eobliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. Wenow see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the ter rific consequences might be. Our behavior is as absur dand incompr ehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrilloutof skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warn-ings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succes- sion. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hos- pital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs. On through the years this conduct continues, accom- panied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divor ce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay- walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fireengine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’the? You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fitus exactly .However intelligent we may have been in other respects, wherealco- hol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It’s strong language—but isn’t it true? Some of you are thinking: “Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn’ tfully apply .Weadmit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to theextremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have toldus that such things cannot happen again. We havenotlost ever ything in life through drinking and we3 certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the informa- tion.’’ That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at thepresent time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smashhome upon our alcoholic readers as it has been re-vealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us takeanother illustration. Fred is partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising children of col-lege age. He has so attractive a personality that hemakes friends with everyone. If ever there was asuccessful business man, it is Fred. T oall appearance he is a stable, well balanced individual. Yet, he isalcoholic. Wefirst saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a badcase of jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admittinghe was an alcoholic, he told himself he came to thehospital to rest his ner ves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For afew days he was depr essed about his condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, inspite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less accept aspiritual remedy for his problem. We told him what we knew about alcoholism. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but hewas a long way from admitting that he could donothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had ac-quired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. We heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told that he was back in the hospital. This timehe was quite shaky. He soon indicated he was anxioustosee us. The story he told is most instructive, for here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all hisother concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless. Let him tell you about it: “I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism, and Ifrankly did not believe it would be possible for me todrink again. I rather appreciated your ideas aboutthe subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but Iwas confident it could not happen to me after what I had lear ned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that itwould be only a matter of exer cising my will power and keeping on guard. “In this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and began to wonder if I had not been makingtoo hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothingnew about that. Physically, I felt fine. Neither did Ihave any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a per fect day, not a cloud on the horizon. “I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have acouple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothingmore. Iordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I or- dered another cocktail. After dinner I decided to takeawalk. When I returned to the hotel it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so Istepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty next morning. Ihave a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New Y ork, and of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. Thedriver escor ted me about for several days. I know little of where I went or what I said and did. Then camethe hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering. “As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been of fguar d, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. Ihad commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. Inow remember ed what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come—I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reasonfor having a drink. Well, just that did happen andmore, for what I had learned of alcoholism did notoccur to me at all. I knew from that moment that Ihad an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mentalblank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow. “Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I didn’t like somuch, and then asked me if I thought myself alcoholic and if I were really licked this time. I had to concedeboth propositions. They piled on me heaps of evi-dence to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as Ihad exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condi- tion. They cited cases out of their own experience bythe dozen. This process snuffed out the last flicker ofconviction that I could do the job myself. “Then they outlined the spiritual answer and pro- gram of action which a hundr ed of them had followed successfully .Though I had been only a nominal chur chman, their proposals wer enot, intellectually , hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I wouldhave to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I madeup my mind to go through with the process, I had thecurious feeling that my alcoholic condition was r e- lieved, as in fact it proved to be. “Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I have since4 been brought into a way of living infinitely more satis- fying and, I hope, more useful than the life I livedbefore. My old manner of life was by no means a badone, but I would not exchange its best moments forthe worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could.’’ Fred’s story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. He had felt only the firstnip of the wringer. Most alcoholics have to be prettybadly mangled before they really commence to solvetheir problems. Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with our con- clusions. One of these men, staff member of a world-renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us: “What you say about the general hopeless-ness of the average alcoholic’s plight is, in my opinion, correct. As to two of you men, whose stories I haveheard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100%hopeless, apartfrom divine help. Had you offered yourselves as patients at this hospital, I wouldnot have taken you, if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not areligious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For mostcases, there is virtually no other solution.’’ Once mor e: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Ex- cept in a few rar ecases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defensemust come from a Higher Power.